My life has been reduced to Hannah Montana

It's 11:30 PM. As a dutiful husband I am assisting my wife with the late night feeding. Needless to say, she had control of the clicker. I sit down expecting to see some chick-flick on Lifetime or, worse yet, one of those decorating shows where some rich guy gets all these ideas spinning in my wife's head about how she can improve our home on "a dime" (their impression of a dime being $2500.

But neither was on...it was DISNEY CHANNEL. Now, mind you, the children have been asleep for hours, and she is STILL WATCHING IT!! 2 hours of Hannah Montana later, I'm praying that locusts might peck my eyes out before I ever have to watch that swill again.

One night fluke, you say? Nothing else on, so she defaulted to what was already on, you suggest? Oh no...it has now become a ritual. My +30 wife is a late-night Disney Channel fiend!!! And the mere suggestion that something else besides Spy Kids 13.8 might be more interesting to watch is met with instant veto.

As you might surmise then, I've logged more hours of useless television uselessness during these last few weeks than I have in all my years of college, which is saying something.

But fear not. Painful though it was, I have actually learned a few things from this premature purgatory that I would like to share for your collective enjoyment:

TOP 12 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM BEING SUBJECTED TO TOO MUCH DISNEY CHANNEL BY MY WIFE

1. The idea that anyone thought to name a kids show "Handy Manny" which features his "talking tools" is utterly disturbing (I'm actually stealing this one from Sean Beligian, a local sports radio host, http://www.wdfn.com/pages/sean.html)
   
2. Billy Ray Cyrus cannot act his way out of a wet paper bag (cf. Hannah Monana)
   
3. It is apparently "good parenting" to raise your children in a hotel (cf. Suite Life of Zack and Cody)
   
4. Pursuant to #3, it is apparently even better parenting to let those same children roam free in the hotel and cause problems, oblivious to whatever it is that they do.
   
5. Letting your child decieve others about her true identity is a noble thing, so long as they're a world famous pop star (cf. Hannah Montana)
   
6. Mickey Mouse is as annoying in computer animation as he was in traditional animation (cf. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)
   
7. High School Musical I and II is really this generation's Grease, a music drama about school life. Though it lacks things that Grease had, namely: interesting characters, people who could act, good music, cars, leather jackets, a plot, etc.
   
8. Some freakazoid music composer can move to the forrest to write songs, be visited daily by "sprites" who sing and help him solve all his problems, and not be on an acid trip....alllegedly (cf. Johnny and the Sprites)
   
9. There is an actor who hates his life more than "Steve" from Blues Clues (cf. Johnny and the Sprites)
   
10. My cartoon heroes spoke English to activate their powers. Today's heroes make up words like "Meeska Mooska, Mickey Mouse." Heh, that's DEFINITELY going to help the kids deal with reality better. (cf. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)
    
11. A washed up country star merely needs to force his daughter on some half-baked TV show, and presto....career revived. Don't they have laws against child labor? (cf. Hannah Montana)
    
12. If you don't like things your surroundings like parents or friends, just call some magic company and they'll send you different ones (cf. The Replacements)

If anything, I gained some perspective on the world today, medated through the evil empire of Disney. So, I got that going for me, which is nice (cf. Caddyshack).

BACK TO BLOGGING

I know, I know....

Any good blogger lays down his life to make sure that the blog is updated regularly. Nevertheless, over the last few weeks the "Honey, I'm going to use the computer for 3 hours to blog....good luck with the kids" excuse has not met with threats of castration. As such, I've had to yeild my bloggers pen to the stoll of a burp cloth and a taser to keep the other 2 in line (ooops, was that out loud?)

Fear not, I think I am back, and not JUST I, but others. I would like to welcome Tim as a permanent contributor to the Dad Cave. He has been a father and a husband many more years than I, and is one of the finest men I've had the pleasure to emulate as a Dad. As you noticed from before, I think you'll enjoy what he has to offer.

Thanks for your patience, and join us often.

GUEST POST

The following is a post from my friend Tim, who very kindly supplied some GREAT content for me in my "figuring out which end is up with the third kid" phase.

Enjoy...

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Top Ten Ways to Watch Lots of Football with Babies in the House

The best time of year is about to begin – yes sports fans, its football season! Unfortunately, our beloved blogger-in-chief is up to his [insert favorite term here] with diapers and formula and other Daddy stuff. So as an experienced Dad, I offer the following suggestions as to how to get to see as much football as is humanly possible in the face of the demands of a responsible dad. It’s the least I can do.

10. Demand that it’s your right as the man of the house to watch games…nah, forget it. That doesn’t work.
9. Place your television on the roof and tell her that you need to repair a leak…nah, forget it. That only works in beer commercials.
8. Have a buddy call you up and ask you to come over to assist with a “heavy lifting project”. Well, you might get away with that one once.
7. Have a relative call you up and ask you to come over to assist with a “heavy lifting project”. Well, you might get away with that one once. If it’s not the week right after #8.
6. Tell your wife that she needs a break and to go shopping for the afternoon. Then put the kids in the basement with lots of M&M’s and cola and lock the door. Be sure to change the diapers at halftime. Scary, but effective.
5. Tell your wife that her mother called and wants to see her as soon as possible. (Risky – you’ll end up with TWO women mad at you!)
4. Tell her the work load at the office is overbearing and you need to go into the office to catch up. Works best on subsequent weeks when game start times vary and only if you have a TV in the office. (WARNING: Under no circumstance should you detour to a bar to watch the game. You’ll smell like smoke and booze and she’ll bust you in a heartbeat.)
3. Beg, plead, cry, pout, stomp around, or bribe her with jewelry. Works best during playoffs.
2. Have her Dad ask you to come over for a “man-to-man” discussion. (how can she argue with her dad?)
1. Volunteer to do ALL the laundry for her on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. (Yeah, she’ll see right through this one too, but hey, it works!)

6 Hours!!!!!!

Parents celebrate various milestones in the life of their newborn child. First words, first steps, first burp, first undisputed wrestling world championship, etc.

Last night, my newest son Evan completed, in my opinion, one of the most important first milestones of his life.

Last night Evan slept from 10:30 PM until 4:30 AM!!!!

For the non-parent, this would seem like useless information, but for parent's of breastfed babies, this is gold. The boy slept 6 hours, uninterupted. This is the first step to the all too important "sleeping through the night" milestone.

We all have different tactics for achieving this critical step. I am unable by law to reveal the Lajiness Family Secret for inducing infant sleep, but for your enjoyment, here are 12 methods that did NOT make the cut:

12 REJECTED METHODS FOR MAKING INFANTS SLEEP FOR LONG PERIODS

1. Benadryl and Duct Tape (something about legal issues...I dunno)
2. Whiskey on the pacifier (last thing I need is to find the kid slumped around the toilet saying "if you get me through this God, I'll never do it again)
3. Sing songs from Tony Award winning musicals (I found that Phantom actually induces crying, and Hairspray vometing)
4. Read philosophy books (apparently this only induces sleep for adults)
5. Show reruns of The View (the kid ends up looking like The Donald and screaming at Rosie)
6. Show reruns of Hawaii 5-0 (actually, there's nothing wrong with this...carry on)
7. Have the baby work on your tax return (he's probably better than H&R Block, but he probably won't sleep either)
8. Have your wife talk to the kid about shopping (The Geneva Convention forbids this, and rightly so)
9. Have your wife talk to the kid about scrapbooking (The Nuclear Arms Treaty forbids this...it's so cruel they had to mention it)
10. Read him sections from your witty blog about life from a male perspective (see "vometing" comment above)
11. If he does get up, let him "cry it out" (this only perpetuates your spouse using the "I have a headache" excuse long after the 6 Weeks of Pain is over)
12. Show him your wedding video (this would actually work, but there's some concern about whether the kid would even wake up)

Congratulations Evan, and congratulations to my pillow...we'll be spending more time together soon!

Baby Reorientation

Fathering an infant is not like riding a bike.

You know the old addage...once you get back on the bike and start pedaling, you instantly remember how to do it no matter how long it's been. Yes, it may work with bike, food processors, and the like, but it definitely does not work with infants. You would think, third time through, that I would have this whole infant thing down pat. But alas, several important things slipped my mind making my paternal excursion all too interesting at times.

Thus, for the sake of the common good, let me remind the dads out there:

IMPORTANT THINGS ALL FATHERS MUST REMEMBER ABOUT INFANTS

1. For boys, SNIPER FIRE IS REAL. If you don't prepare yourself, you will get a shot in the eye, chest or some other unfortunate area. No matter what, put the dang diaper down quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Don't forget the bobble head. If you pick them up without bracing their neck, for a moment they'll look like something out of a bad horror movie.
3. You know how if you don't put oil in your car eventually it will pay you back by breaking down? If you don't burp your kid after they eat they will pay you back with a warm bath on your shoulder, back or some other unfortunate area.
4. Yes, the doctor really did say six weeks of no....ya know. You ever wonder if it hurts them to say it?
5. Yes, you must learn (or relearn) how to do everything one handed. I still haven't perfected eating nachos, but am open to suggestions. Do you think jalapenos in their eyes will hurt them?
6. That cute little cooing noise they make at 4 am...don't be fooled. They're just working up to a cry. You might as well just get out of bed right then.
7. If you think your value to your spouse is being judged largely on your ability to execute a late night feeding and doing every chore in the house...you might be right.
8. That black stuff that comes out of their bums for the first fews days...that's normal. No, your kid didn't drink motor oil, and no that stuff cannot be used as blacktop resurfacer.
9. Buy a good stain treater for your laundry, that is unless you want dried yellow spots on all your shirts that smells like sour milk and goat butt.
10. Duct tape has still not been approved by the FDA as a suitable substute for those expensive diapers. Just flush your paycheck down the drain now before you get to attached.
11. No, no one besides us sees the need to pay $30 a every week for something our children are only going to deficate in. I'm convinced the whole plan was conceived by some congressman.
12. For those whose wives have chosen the route of natural feeding...they're not yours any longer pal...at least not for a LONG time. Just accept.

I hope this helped any of my confreres preparing to enter or re-enter this important stage of your parenting lives.

Welcome Evan!

Evan was born on July 13 at 8:08 PM. He was three weeks early, and wieghed 7 lbs. 8 oz. He is already lighting up our life!

More on "life with three" coming up!

Wife on Wife Crime

They call them "wives' tales" for a reason.

Since announcing the expected birth of our third child, many married women have thrust their perspectives on having a third child on my wife, though it was often times unsolicited. I understand the basic impulse: I've been through this, and if you know what I know, maybe you'll be better prepared for the impending situation.

The problem is that NOTHING they say is ever consoling, and seldom ever is helpful. "Oh my Lord, you'll never leave the house again," "You're now outnumbered...admit defeat right now," "If anyone tells you that having two is hard and three is easy, don't believe them," "It was so much harder than I ever imagined", and so on.

Honestly, I think they think it is cute, part of the "mom rules", and is secretly their way of passively venting their own frustrations about life. There are even a sordid few who have convinced themselves that somehow sharing this information is helpful.

It's not!!!!!!!!! While I appreciate the "wife" community's attempts to keep my bride informed, I must confess that I really wish they would resist that urge. A few basic points for these ladies to consider:

• Exactly when did anyone telling you "the life you chose is going to be hell" or it's equivalent ever help you or inspire confidence to rise above?
• Aren't you the same gender who wants men to lie about your looks to make you feel better? Why not employ the same "skill" on your own kind?
• Exactly when did anyone telling a pregnant, hormonal, nesting woman anything but "You're a wonderful mom" and "you still look sexy to me" yield good results?
• Did anyone do this to you? Was it helpful? Exactly, so why are you doing this to her?
• Aren't Oprah and Dr. Phil all about positive encouragement?
• Can I send you the bills for the help she's going to need from the "post-partum" depression that you caused?

So, ladies, while we appreciate your attempts to be the beacons of truth and clarity in the world, let me suggest a few "programmed" phrases to respond with instead:

• "Wow, with such a great husband and kids, you can do it!"
• "I hear having more romantic evenings with your husband helps!"
• "It was a challenge for me at times, but that's only because I didn't marry that stellar piece of humanity that you did."
• "Three times a charm! Don't worry about it."
• "One child for each person of the Holy Trinity...it's sure to be fine!"
• "Did I mention more bedroom time with your hubby helps?"
• "You're such a good mother, you could handle 500 kids"
• "If you get in a jam, there's always Benadryl"
• "I'll be here for you, whatever you need. That is, if I could possibly offer you anything after all the great help you're getting from that model husband of yours."
• "Oddly enough, studies have shown that with the third kid, the more you let your husband play golf, the easier your parenting becomes...it's the weirdest thing."

and last but not least...

• You're the best mother a husband and father could ever hope for. More than that, you're a beautiful daughter of Christ whose strength will carry you through all things. Don't let your fears about the future keep you from enjoying every minute of another life who will have the privelege of growing up under your love and guidance. You're the best, and I believe in you!

Ok, the last one might be mine...

The "Rafiki" Code

There's a code word in my house (no, not for THAT).

Any time I use "Rafiki" as an adjective or noun, it means that I regard whatever is being discussed at the time as being connected to my wife's sometimes obsessive idea that the world would be a better place if every food was organic, every chemical was erradicated, and if shaking a stick or rubbing an herb on something was able to fix every problem known to mankind. Rafiki is that loveable baboon in the Lion King who seemed to fix every problem by either rubbing some sort of fruit on it or shaking his stick and muttering nonsense. Hence, to use it in context:

Wife: "I just got this new cleaner in the mail that has no chemicals, no preservatives, and nothing that could harm anything in the world whatsoever."

Husband, in dubious tones: "And how much did this cost me?"

Wife: "One year's house payment....but IT'S REALLY SAFE"

Husband, with dripping sarcasm: "So safe, even the germs are safe. No thanks, you and Rafiki can shake your sticks and hope it gets clean. I'm sticking to good old chemicals." This is usually followed by me "ape"-ing around the house and making nonsensical clicking noises with my tongue.

Now, while I have admitted to my wife that some of her alternative "Rafiki" cleaners have proven effective, she or anyone else has yet to convince me how your standard household chemicals pose any greater harm to humanity. Oh sure, they're made from goat's butt, and somehow that means they are safe. Let's reveiw the facts:

1. If you drink Formula 409, you will get sick and might die. If you drink "Rafiki"cleaner, you will get sick an might die, AND you now have goat butt in your mouth. Now, the disciples of Rafiki would argue that you wouldn't die...you might suffer years of debilitating pain and have no life, but you might not die...AND you have goat butt in your mouth.
   
2. Bleach kills mold, and if you put it on your skin it hurts. When I put Rafiki cleaners on my skin, they hurt...and I have goat butt on my skin.
   
3. Just because it's "natural" doesn't mean it is safe. Uranium is natural...that is, found in nature, but is not safe. Unknown and largely unregulated herbs, salves, and butts of goats may be natural, but that does not mean they are safe, and in the mean time...you know...goat butt.
   
4. Chemicals, when misused can cause disease. Rafiki cleaners, if misued, can cause disease...if nothing else, whatever disease there is on that goat's butt.
   

I don't know...the wife and Rafiki can shake their sticks....I'm sticking with what works, and staying aways from goat's butt.

Dads' Camping Rules

Well, we came, we camped, we conquered. The trip was three dads, a grandpa, and a gaggle of kids all under the age of 6.

In many families, mine included, the respective parents tend to have varying codes of discipline and house rules. I don't want to gender stereotype, but I have generally found that there are certain things that dads tend to me more lenient about that moms guard with almost militant rigidity.

As you might imagine, then, given that the dads were in charge, there was a very different set of expectations placed on the children which would have been very different had mom been there. Thus, I present:

"Dad's Rules" for Camping (Warning - May be unacceptable to some moms)

1. The 5-second rule for food on the floor/ground remains intact provided one brushes most of the sand or dirt off. A 10% sand to food ratio is acceptable.
2. 3 bites of the main course is an acceptable definition of "finishing your dinner" to warrant have sugary desserts and snacks.
3. Kool-aid, sugar drinks, and the like do temporarily constitute "juice", though they may contain no juice whatsoever.
4. The definition of what constitutes "being dirty" which would normally require a bath, shower or other cleaning ritual is completely abbrogated and declared null. In fact, so as to show solidarity with the surrounding environment, a thin layer of soil is generally encouraged.
5. For dad to order the child to "Go play with those bugs" is actually a demonstration of good parenting technique.
6. For a dad to pacify an ornary child by bribbing them with food is also acceptable parenting.
7. Eating bugs is still generally discouraged.
8. Organic foods, healthy snacks, and any comments about whether the food served on the trip is "nutritious" are completely forbidden.
9. Bed times are subject to radical reinterpretation. However, excessive complaining and whinning may still lead to being sent to bed.
10. Using Croqette mallets for purposes other their intended use is acceptable, provided that no children, adults, animals, tents, or most importantly, beer is harmed in the process.
11. Questions such as "are we there yet", "why isn't the tent up yet", or "when are we going to eat" may lead to instant sanction or punishment.
12. In terms of injuries, the advice of "go rub some dirt on it and stop crying" is acceptable, exceot in the case of significant bleeding, displaced bones, poisining, infectious diseases or the like.

I welcome other additions to the list in the comment box!

Camping

Nature Beware.

Tonight, the Red Princess invades.

I'm taking my daughter (pictured to the left) on her very first camping trip with some friends. At first, I was a bit nervous about how she would fare. The sun, the bugs, the endless things to hurt herself on, etc, etc.

Then it hit me...it's not HER I need to be nervous about, it's the cammpground. This is the girl who plastered her nursery with skin cream when she was only 18 months. This is the same spunky redhead who has poked holes through drywall, shoved vegetables up her nose, and has tamed children twice her size. No, it is not she who should tremble, it is the sticks, rocks, dirt, lakes, tents, hamburgers, hotdogs and unsuspecting children and adults who need to take heed...tonight, the Red Princess rides, and there may be no stopping her.

Stay tuned for the post-mortem...

Vacuums and "The Man"

I live in an 865 square foot house and I own 4 vacuum cleaners.

Contemplate that statement for a moment. That's about 1 vacuum cleaner for every 215 square feet. Consider, as well, that all of them "work", that is, they all function within normal parameters.

Why would I need so many vacuums, you might ask? "The Man".

"The Man" or "The Woman" is that advertising genius tucked away in some marketing firm cubical who has managed to dupe much of humanity into thinking that their particular product is somehow superior to all others. And so the progression goes...my wife owned a vacuum prior to us getting married, someone gave us one for our wedding, I got a ShopVac one Christmas. That equals 3.

Then "The Man" came.

A Kirby Salesman arrived at my home some day and miraculously took dirt out of my couch, dead skin off my matress, and (if you listen to them tell it) leprosy off a leper. Suddenly, they have convinced my wife that every other vacuum in our home is useless, and we must have a Kirby for our life to be fulfilled. "The Man" had struck again, and through a serious of events my wife purchased a used Kirby from some friends. It had 450,000 different attachments, a massively complicated system for attaching any of them, and weighed about a metric ton. But it was THE best. 3 + 1 "Man" = 4 Vacuums

Now, I was kind of partial to our little green Hoover. It 2 attachments and no frills, but man it could take up Cheerios with the best of them. But I was told by "The Man" and my wife his new disciple that the Kirby could dwarf this thing. Thus, several months later, and several attempts on my part to use it, here's my impression of the Kirby so far:

• I feel like I need a mechanical engineering degree to put it together
• It squeals like a cat in heat
• It has broken twice and only our friend who we bought it from can seem to fix it (I now refer to him as the "Kirby Whisperer")
• After a baby powder explosion the other day (don't ask) it failed to even take up much of anything (which I was told was a "belt" problem).
• Even when it is "working" properly it only pick up half as well as my trusty old Hoover.
• I'm told it has a lifetime warranty, but to get it refurbished I would have to send it away to the shipping costs tune of $150-200.
• Oh, and the bags and all the accessories cost twice as much.

So, why am I supposed to be impressed by all of these fancy schmancy vacuums? Isn't the point to take stuff off my floor without attracting every cat in the neighborhood. Silly me.

My wife is still holding out hope that if "The Kirby Whisperer" comes over and shakes at stick at it or something it might work. I don't share in her optimism. Chalk another one up to "The Man".

I pulled the Hoover out of its mothballs, and am currently researching a way to use my ShopVac without taking up the carpet itself and my toddlers in the process. Now that thing could take the white out of rice!!!!

Open advice for parenting magazines

So my wife is reading me some survey published in one of the 5 million parenting magazines she frequents with "groundbreaking" advice for dads. I don't even remember the situation that they were giving advice about, as in "Dads who find themselves victimized by being a man" or some garbage like that. But, essentially the list involved "suck up and bear it, just remember how hard it was for your wife to bear the children" and a bunch of the same old tired frissle-fras obviously written by a chick, for chicks.

Thus, on this Father's Day, in the spirit of full disclosure, I've decided to let these editors in on a few "nuggets" of wisdom about the male species, in concern to their obvious utter lack of familiarity with it. Thus, I present:

The Top 12 Things Chick-Dominated Parenting Magazine Editors Need to Know About Men.

12. Yes, we are scum for not having born children for 9 months. We play golf and drink beer to hide our obvious and latent shame...you can come up with new material now.

11. What Oprah, long walks on the beach, and any movie in which the girl gets the guy does to your emotional well-being, beer and sports do to ours. Any questions?

10. No...our vows did not include "I will give you back rubs every night when you're pregnant"...I checked.

9. Remember, we work all day, not sleep. Thus, work does not fit into the category of "being away from the children", and thus, does not mean we need to make up every minute of those hours when we get home.

8. No, taking pictures of my children after they pour paint all over my floor will not make me less angry and appreciate the moment. In fact, it will only remind me of the anger for years to come. Tell Dr. Phil to try again.

7. Just because you slap "organic" on the label and charge me double for it does not prove that it will actually benefit my children in any way.

6. Please do not preach to me the need for less chemicals in our home after you've just plastered your face with them. Our kids get more chemicals from your lipstick than my WD-40.

5. The value of male recreational activities is not measured solely by whether it helps us lose weight or means we are more happy when we come home. Golf is a good in and of itself.

4. I still have yet to see one of your "creative dates for parents" ideas include ANYTHING that men enjoy doing. Where's "Snuggle up to Monday Night Football" or "Discuss the finer points of the Prevent Defense over an expensive dinner"?

3. Please do not freak out my wife with any more of those ridiculous "you're baby should be doing this by 8 months" lists. I've never met a kid who can't sit up, so I really don't care what month they do it.

2. I've done the math, and all of your "creative" parenting suggestions assume a base household income of over 300K. What ever happened to "being a good parent in 865 square feet" or "making do with food you can actually afford"?

1. No, our procreative urge is not our ONLY emotion.

Not that we've cleared these things up, I'm looking forward to much more insightful comment in the future...that is...after football season.