Dads' Camping Rules

Well, we came, we camped, we conquered. The trip was three dads, a grandpa, and a gaggle of kids all under the age of 6.

In many families, mine included, the respective parents tend to have varying codes of discipline and house rules. I don't want to gender stereotype, but I have generally found that there are certain things that dads tend to me more lenient about that moms guard with almost militant rigidity.

As you might imagine, then, given that the dads were in charge, there was a very different set of expectations placed on the children which would have been very different had mom been there. Thus, I present:

"Dad's Rules" for Camping (Warning - May be unacceptable to some moms)

1. The 5-second rule for food on the floor/ground remains intact provided one brushes most of the sand or dirt off. A 10% sand to food ratio is acceptable.
2. 3 bites of the main course is an acceptable definition of "finishing your dinner" to warrant have sugary desserts and snacks.
3. Kool-aid, sugar drinks, and the like do temporarily constitute "juice", though they may contain no juice whatsoever.
4. The definition of what constitutes "being dirty" which would normally require a bath, shower or other cleaning ritual is completely abbrogated and declared null. In fact, so as to show solidarity with the surrounding environment, a thin layer of soil is generally encouraged.
5. For dad to order the child to "Go play with those bugs" is actually a demonstration of good parenting technique.
6. For a dad to pacify an ornary child by bribbing them with food is also acceptable parenting.
7. Eating bugs is still generally discouraged.
8. Organic foods, healthy snacks, and any comments about whether the food served on the trip is "nutritious" are completely forbidden.
9. Bed times are subject to radical reinterpretation. However, excessive complaining and whinning may still lead to being sent to bed.
10. Using Croqette mallets for purposes other their intended use is acceptable, provided that no children, adults, animals, tents, or most importantly, beer is harmed in the process.
11. Questions such as "are we there yet", "why isn't the tent up yet", or "when are we going to eat" may lead to instant sanction or punishment.
12. In terms of injuries, the advice of "go rub some dirt on it and stop crying" is acceptable, exceot in the case of significant bleeding, displaced bones, poisining, infectious diseases or the like.

I welcome other additions to the list in the comment box!

Camping

Nature Beware.

Tonight, the Red Princess invades.

I'm taking my daughter (pictured to the left) on her very first camping trip with some friends. At first, I was a bit nervous about how she would fare. The sun, the bugs, the endless things to hurt herself on, etc, etc.

Then it hit me...it's not HER I need to be nervous about, it's the cammpground. This is the girl who plastered her nursery with skin cream when she was only 18 months. This is the same spunky redhead who has poked holes through drywall, shoved vegetables up her nose, and has tamed children twice her size. No, it is not she who should tremble, it is the sticks, rocks, dirt, lakes, tents, hamburgers, hotdogs and unsuspecting children and adults who need to take heed...tonight, the Red Princess rides, and there may be no stopping her.

Stay tuned for the post-mortem...

Vacuums and "The Man"

I live in an 865 square foot house and I own 4 vacuum cleaners.

Contemplate that statement for a moment. That's about 1 vacuum cleaner for every 215 square feet. Consider, as well, that all of them "work", that is, they all function within normal parameters.

Why would I need so many vacuums, you might ask? "The Man".

"The Man" or "The Woman" is that advertising genius tucked away in some marketing firm cubical who has managed to dupe much of humanity into thinking that their particular product is somehow superior to all others. And so the progression goes...my wife owned a vacuum prior to us getting married, someone gave us one for our wedding, I got a ShopVac one Christmas. That equals 3.

Then "The Man" came.

A Kirby Salesman arrived at my home some day and miraculously took dirt out of my couch, dead skin off my matress, and (if you listen to them tell it) leprosy off a leper. Suddenly, they have convinced my wife that every other vacuum in our home is useless, and we must have a Kirby for our life to be fulfilled. "The Man" had struck again, and through a serious of events my wife purchased a used Kirby from some friends. It had 450,000 different attachments, a massively complicated system for attaching any of them, and weighed about a metric ton. But it was THE best. 3 + 1 "Man" = 4 Vacuums

Now, I was kind of partial to our little green Hoover. It 2 attachments and no frills, but man it could take up Cheerios with the best of them. But I was told by "The Man" and my wife his new disciple that the Kirby could dwarf this thing. Thus, several months later, and several attempts on my part to use it, here's my impression of the Kirby so far:

• I feel like I need a mechanical engineering degree to put it together
• It squeals like a cat in heat
• It has broken twice and only our friend who we bought it from can seem to fix it (I now refer to him as the "Kirby Whisperer")
• After a baby powder explosion the other day (don't ask) it failed to even take up much of anything (which I was told was a "belt" problem).
• Even when it is "working" properly it only pick up half as well as my trusty old Hoover.
• I'm told it has a lifetime warranty, but to get it refurbished I would have to send it away to the shipping costs tune of $150-200.
• Oh, and the bags and all the accessories cost twice as much.

So, why am I supposed to be impressed by all of these fancy schmancy vacuums? Isn't the point to take stuff off my floor without attracting every cat in the neighborhood. Silly me.

My wife is still holding out hope that if "The Kirby Whisperer" comes over and shakes at stick at it or something it might work. I don't share in her optimism. Chalk another one up to "The Man".

I pulled the Hoover out of its mothballs, and am currently researching a way to use my ShopVac without taking up the carpet itself and my toddlers in the process. Now that thing could take the white out of rice!!!!

Open advice for parenting magazines

So my wife is reading me some survey published in one of the 5 million parenting magazines she frequents with "groundbreaking" advice for dads. I don't even remember the situation that they were giving advice about, as in "Dads who find themselves victimized by being a man" or some garbage like that. But, essentially the list involved "suck up and bear it, just remember how hard it was for your wife to bear the children" and a bunch of the same old tired frissle-fras obviously written by a chick, for chicks.

Thus, on this Father's Day, in the spirit of full disclosure, I've decided to let these editors in on a few "nuggets" of wisdom about the male species, in concern to their obvious utter lack of familiarity with it. Thus, I present:

The Top 12 Things Chick-Dominated Parenting Magazine Editors Need to Know About Men.

12. Yes, we are scum for not having born children for 9 months. We play golf and drink beer to hide our obvious and latent shame...you can come up with new material now.

11. What Oprah, long walks on the beach, and any movie in which the girl gets the guy does to your emotional well-being, beer and sports do to ours. Any questions?

10. No...our vows did not include "I will give you back rubs every night when you're pregnant"...I checked.

9. Remember, we work all day, not sleep. Thus, work does not fit into the category of "being away from the children", and thus, does not mean we need to make up every minute of those hours when we get home.

8. No, taking pictures of my children after they pour paint all over my floor will not make me less angry and appreciate the moment. In fact, it will only remind me of the anger for years to come. Tell Dr. Phil to try again.

7. Just because you slap "organic" on the label and charge me double for it does not prove that it will actually benefit my children in any way.

6. Please do not preach to me the need for less chemicals in our home after you've just plastered your face with them. Our kids get more chemicals from your lipstick than my WD-40.

5. The value of male recreational activities is not measured solely by whether it helps us lose weight or means we are more happy when we come home. Golf is a good in and of itself.

4. I still have yet to see one of your "creative dates for parents" ideas include ANYTHING that men enjoy doing. Where's "Snuggle up to Monday Night Football" or "Discuss the finer points of the Prevent Defense over an expensive dinner"?

3. Please do not freak out my wife with any more of those ridiculous "you're baby should be doing this by 8 months" lists. I've never met a kid who can't sit up, so I really don't care what month they do it.

2. I've done the math, and all of your "creative" parenting suggestions assume a base household income of over 300K. What ever happened to "being a good parent in 865 square feet" or "making do with food you can actually afford"?

1. No, our procreative urge is not our ONLY emotion.

Not that we've cleared these things up, I'm looking forward to much more insightful comment in the future...that is...after football season.