6 Hours!!!!!!

Parents celebrate various milestones in the life of their newborn child. First words, first steps, first burp, first undisputed wrestling world championship, etc.

Last night, my newest son Evan completed, in my opinion, one of the most important first milestones of his life.

Last night Evan slept from 10:30 PM until 4:30 AM!!!!

For the non-parent, this would seem like useless information, but for parent's of breastfed babies, this is gold. The boy slept 6 hours, uninterupted. This is the first step to the all too important "sleeping through the night" milestone.

We all have different tactics for achieving this critical step. I am unable by law to reveal the Lajiness Family Secret for inducing infant sleep, but for your enjoyment, here are 12 methods that did NOT make the cut:

12 REJECTED METHODS FOR MAKING INFANTS SLEEP FOR LONG PERIODS

1. Benadryl and Duct Tape (something about legal issues...I dunno)
2. Whiskey on the pacifier (last thing I need is to find the kid slumped around the toilet saying "if you get me through this God, I'll never do it again)
3. Sing songs from Tony Award winning musicals (I found that Phantom actually induces crying, and Hairspray vometing)
4. Read philosophy books (apparently this only induces sleep for adults)
5. Show reruns of The View (the kid ends up looking like The Donald and screaming at Rosie)
6. Show reruns of Hawaii 5-0 (actually, there's nothing wrong with this...carry on)
7. Have the baby work on your tax return (he's probably better than H&R Block, but he probably won't sleep either)
8. Have your wife talk to the kid about shopping (The Geneva Convention forbids this, and rightly so)
9. Have your wife talk to the kid about scrapbooking (The Nuclear Arms Treaty forbids this...it's so cruel they had to mention it)
10. Read him sections from your witty blog about life from a male perspective (see "vometing" comment above)
11. If he does get up, let him "cry it out" (this only perpetuates your spouse using the "I have a headache" excuse long after the 6 Weeks of Pain is over)
12. Show him your wedding video (this would actually work, but there's some concern about whether the kid would even wake up)

Congratulations Evan, and congratulations to my pillow...we'll be spending more time together soon!

Baby Reorientation

Fathering an infant is not like riding a bike.

You know the old addage...once you get back on the bike and start pedaling, you instantly remember how to do it no matter how long it's been. Yes, it may work with bike, food processors, and the like, but it definitely does not work with infants. You would think, third time through, that I would have this whole infant thing down pat. But alas, several important things slipped my mind making my paternal excursion all too interesting at times.

Thus, for the sake of the common good, let me remind the dads out there:

IMPORTANT THINGS ALL FATHERS MUST REMEMBER ABOUT INFANTS

1. For boys, SNIPER FIRE IS REAL. If you don't prepare yourself, you will get a shot in the eye, chest or some other unfortunate area. No matter what, put the dang diaper down quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Don't forget the bobble head. If you pick them up without bracing their neck, for a moment they'll look like something out of a bad horror movie.
3. You know how if you don't put oil in your car eventually it will pay you back by breaking down? If you don't burp your kid after they eat they will pay you back with a warm bath on your shoulder, back or some other unfortunate area.
4. Yes, the doctor really did say six weeks of no....ya know. You ever wonder if it hurts them to say it?
5. Yes, you must learn (or relearn) how to do everything one handed. I still haven't perfected eating nachos, but am open to suggestions. Do you think jalapenos in their eyes will hurt them?
6. That cute little cooing noise they make at 4 am...don't be fooled. They're just working up to a cry. You might as well just get out of bed right then.
7. If you think your value to your spouse is being judged largely on your ability to execute a late night feeding and doing every chore in the house...you might be right.
8. That black stuff that comes out of their bums for the first fews days...that's normal. No, your kid didn't drink motor oil, and no that stuff cannot be used as blacktop resurfacer.
9. Buy a good stain treater for your laundry, that is unless you want dried yellow spots on all your shirts that smells like sour milk and goat butt.
10. Duct tape has still not been approved by the FDA as a suitable substute for those expensive diapers. Just flush your paycheck down the drain now before you get to attached.
11. No, no one besides us sees the need to pay $30 a every week for something our children are only going to deficate in. I'm convinced the whole plan was conceived by some congressman.
12. For those whose wives have chosen the route of natural feeding...they're not yours any longer pal...at least not for a LONG time. Just accept.

I hope this helped any of my confreres preparing to enter or re-enter this important stage of your parenting lives.

Welcome Evan!

Evan was born on July 13 at 8:08 PM. He was three weeks early, and wieghed 7 lbs. 8 oz. He is already lighting up our life!

More on "life with three" coming up!

Wife on Wife Crime

They call them "wives' tales" for a reason.

Since announcing the expected birth of our third child, many married women have thrust their perspectives on having a third child on my wife, though it was often times unsolicited. I understand the basic impulse: I've been through this, and if you know what I know, maybe you'll be better prepared for the impending situation.

The problem is that NOTHING they say is ever consoling, and seldom ever is helpful. "Oh my Lord, you'll never leave the house again," "You're now outnumbered...admit defeat right now," "If anyone tells you that having two is hard and three is easy, don't believe them," "It was so much harder than I ever imagined", and so on.

Honestly, I think they think it is cute, part of the "mom rules", and is secretly their way of passively venting their own frustrations about life. There are even a sordid few who have convinced themselves that somehow sharing this information is helpful.

It's not!!!!!!!!! While I appreciate the "wife" community's attempts to keep my bride informed, I must confess that I really wish they would resist that urge. A few basic points for these ladies to consider:

• Exactly when did anyone telling you "the life you chose is going to be hell" or it's equivalent ever help you or inspire confidence to rise above?
• Aren't you the same gender who wants men to lie about your looks to make you feel better? Why not employ the same "skill" on your own kind?
• Exactly when did anyone telling a pregnant, hormonal, nesting woman anything but "You're a wonderful mom" and "you still look sexy to me" yield good results?
• Did anyone do this to you? Was it helpful? Exactly, so why are you doing this to her?
• Aren't Oprah and Dr. Phil all about positive encouragement?
• Can I send you the bills for the help she's going to need from the "post-partum" depression that you caused?

So, ladies, while we appreciate your attempts to be the beacons of truth and clarity in the world, let me suggest a few "programmed" phrases to respond with instead:

• "Wow, with such a great husband and kids, you can do it!"
• "I hear having more romantic evenings with your husband helps!"
• "It was a challenge for me at times, but that's only because I didn't marry that stellar piece of humanity that you did."
• "Three times a charm! Don't worry about it."
• "One child for each person of the Holy Trinity...it's sure to be fine!"
• "Did I mention more bedroom time with your hubby helps?"
• "You're such a good mother, you could handle 500 kids"
• "If you get in a jam, there's always Benadryl"
• "I'll be here for you, whatever you need. That is, if I could possibly offer you anything after all the great help you're getting from that model husband of yours."
• "Oddly enough, studies have shown that with the third kid, the more you let your husband play golf, the easier your parenting becomes...it's the weirdest thing."

and last but not least...

• You're the best mother a husband and father could ever hope for. More than that, you're a beautiful daughter of Christ whose strength will carry you through all things. Don't let your fears about the future keep you from enjoying every minute of another life who will have the privelege of growing up under your love and guidance. You're the best, and I believe in you!

Ok, the last one might be mine...

The "Rafiki" Code

There's a code word in my house (no, not for THAT).

Any time I use "Rafiki" as an adjective or noun, it means that I regard whatever is being discussed at the time as being connected to my wife's sometimes obsessive idea that the world would be a better place if every food was organic, every chemical was erradicated, and if shaking a stick or rubbing an herb on something was able to fix every problem known to mankind. Rafiki is that loveable baboon in the Lion King who seemed to fix every problem by either rubbing some sort of fruit on it or shaking his stick and muttering nonsense. Hence, to use it in context:

Wife: "I just got this new cleaner in the mail that has no chemicals, no preservatives, and nothing that could harm anything in the world whatsoever."

Husband, in dubious tones: "And how much did this cost me?"

Wife: "One year's house payment....but IT'S REALLY SAFE"

Husband, with dripping sarcasm: "So safe, even the germs are safe. No thanks, you and Rafiki can shake your sticks and hope it gets clean. I'm sticking to good old chemicals." This is usually followed by me "ape"-ing around the house and making nonsensical clicking noises with my tongue.

Now, while I have admitted to my wife that some of her alternative "Rafiki" cleaners have proven effective, she or anyone else has yet to convince me how your standard household chemicals pose any greater harm to humanity. Oh sure, they're made from goat's butt, and somehow that means they are safe. Let's reveiw the facts:

1. If you drink Formula 409, you will get sick and might die. If you drink "Rafiki"cleaner, you will get sick an might die, AND you now have goat butt in your mouth. Now, the disciples of Rafiki would argue that you wouldn't die...you might suffer years of debilitating pain and have no life, but you might not die...AND you have goat butt in your mouth.
   
2. Bleach kills mold, and if you put it on your skin it hurts. When I put Rafiki cleaners on my skin, they hurt...and I have goat butt on my skin.
   
3. Just because it's "natural" doesn't mean it is safe. Uranium is natural...that is, found in nature, but is not safe. Unknown and largely unregulated herbs, salves, and butts of goats may be natural, but that does not mean they are safe, and in the mean time...you know...goat butt.
   
4. Chemicals, when misused can cause disease. Rafiki cleaners, if misued, can cause disease...if nothing else, whatever disease there is on that goat's butt.
   

I don't know...the wife and Rafiki can shake their sticks....I'm sticking with what works, and staying aways from goat's butt.