It's 11:30 PM. As a dutiful husband I am assisting my wife with the late night feeding. Needless to say, she had control of the clicker. I sit down expecting to see some chick-flick on Lifetime or, worse yet, one of those decorating shows where some rich guy gets all these ideas spinning in my wife's head about how she can improve our home on "a dime" (their impression of a dime being $2500.But neither was on...it was DISNEY CHANNEL. Now, mind you, the children have been asleep for hours, and she is STILL WATCHING IT!! 2 hours of Hannah Montana later, I'm praying that locusts might peck my eyes out before I ever have to watch that swill again.
One night fluke, you say? Nothing else on, so she defaulted to what was already on, you suggest? Oh no...it has now become a ritual. My +30 wife is a late-night Disney Channel fiend!!! And the mere suggestion that something else besides Spy Kids 13.8 might be more interesting to watch is met with instant veto.
As you might surmise then, I've logged more hours of useless television uselessness during these last few weeks than I have in all my years of college, which is saying something.
But fear not. Painful though it was, I have actually learned a few things from this premature purgatory that I would like to share for your collective enjoyment:
TOP 12 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM BEING SUBJECTED TO TOO MUCH DISNEY CHANNEL BY MY WIFE
- The idea that anyone thought to name a kids show "Handy Manny" which features his "talking tools" is utterly disturbing (I'm actually stealing this one from Sean Beligian, a local sports radio host, http://www.wdfn.com/pages/sean.html)
- Billy Ray Cyrus cannot act his way out of a wet paper bag (cf. Hannah Monana)
- It is apparently "good parenting" to raise your children in a hotel (cf. Suite Life of Zack and Cody)
- Pursuant to #3, it is apparently even better parenting to let those same children roam free in the hotel and cause problems, oblivious to whatever it is that they do.
- Letting your child decieve others about her true identity is a noble thing, so long as they're a world famous pop star (cf. Hannah Montana)
- Mickey Mouse is as annoying in computer animation as he was in traditional animation (cf. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)
- High School Musical I and II is really this generation's Grease, a music drama about school life. Though it lacks things that Grease had, namely: interesting characters, people who could act, good music, cars, leather jackets, a plot, etc.
- Some freakazoid music composer can move to the forrest to write songs, be visited daily by "sprites" who sing and help him solve all his problems, and not be on an acid trip....alllegedly (cf. Johnny and the Sprites)
- There is an actor who hates his life more than "Steve" from Blues Clues (cf. Johnny and the Sprites)
- My cartoon heroes spoke English to activate their powers. Today's heroes make up words like "Meeska Mooska, Mickey Mouse." Heh, that's DEFINITELY going to help the kids deal with reality better. (cf. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)
- A washed up country star merely needs to force his daughter on some half-baked TV show, and presto....career revived. Don't they have laws against child labor? (cf. Hannah Montana)
- If you don't like things your surroundings like parents or friends, just call some magic company and they'll send you different ones (cf. The Replacements)
If anything, I gained some perspective on the world today, medated through the evil empire of Disney. So, I got that going for me, which is nice (cf. Caddyshack).
