Wife on Wife Crime

They call them "wives' tales" for a reason.

Since announcing the expected birth of our third child, many married women have thrust their perspectives on having a third child on my wife, though it was often times unsolicited. I understand the basic impulse: I've been through this, and if you know what I know, maybe you'll be better prepared for the impending situation.

The problem is that NOTHING they say is ever consoling, and seldom ever is helpful. "Oh my Lord, you'll never leave the house again," "You're now outnumbered...admit defeat right now," "If anyone tells you that having two is hard and three is easy, don't believe them," "It was so much harder than I ever imagined", and so on.

Honestly, I think they think it is cute, part of the "mom rules", and is secretly their way of passively venting their own frustrations about life. There are even a sordid few who have convinced themselves that somehow sharing this information is helpful.

It's not!!!!!!!!! While I appreciate the "wife" community's attempts to keep my bride informed, I must confess that I really wish they would resist that urge. A few basic points for these ladies to consider:

• Exactly when did anyone telling you "the life you chose is going to be hell" or it's equivalent ever help you or inspire confidence to rise above?
• Aren't you the same gender who wants men to lie about your looks to make you feel better? Why not employ the same "skill" on your own kind?
• Exactly when did anyone telling a pregnant, hormonal, nesting woman anything but "You're a wonderful mom" and "you still look sexy to me" yield good results?
• Did anyone do this to you? Was it helpful? Exactly, so why are you doing this to her?
• Aren't Oprah and Dr. Phil all about positive encouragement?
• Can I send you the bills for the help she's going to need from the "post-partum" depression that you caused?

So, ladies, while we appreciate your attempts to be the beacons of truth and clarity in the world, let me suggest a few "programmed" phrases to respond with instead:

• "Wow, with such a great husband and kids, you can do it!"
• "I hear having more romantic evenings with your husband helps!"
• "It was a challenge for me at times, but that's only because I didn't marry that stellar piece of humanity that you did."
• "Three times a charm! Don't worry about it."
• "One child for each person of the Holy Trinity...it's sure to be fine!"
• "Did I mention more bedroom time with your hubby helps?"
• "You're such a good mother, you could handle 500 kids"
• "If you get in a jam, there's always Benadryl"
• "I'll be here for you, whatever you need. That is, if I could possibly offer you anything after all the great help you're getting from that model husband of yours."
• "Oddly enough, studies have shown that with the third kid, the more you let your husband play golf, the easier your parenting becomes...it's the weirdest thing."

and last but not least...

• You're the best mother a husband and father could ever hope for. More than that, you're a beautiful daughter of Christ whose strength will carry you through all things. Don't let your fears about the future keep you from enjoying every minute of another life who will have the privelege of growing up under your love and guidance. You're the best, and I believe in you!

Ok, the last one might be mine...