The "Rafiki" Code

There's a code word in my house (no, not for THAT).

Any time I use "Rafiki" as an adjective or noun, it means that I regard whatever is being discussed at the time as being connected to my wife's sometimes obsessive idea that the world would be a better place if every food was organic, every chemical was erradicated, and if shaking a stick or rubbing an herb on something was able to fix every problem known to mankind. Rafiki is that loveable baboon in the Lion King who seemed to fix every problem by either rubbing some sort of fruit on it or shaking his stick and muttering nonsense. Hence, to use it in context:

Wife: "I just got this new cleaner in the mail that has no chemicals, no preservatives, and nothing that could harm anything in the world whatsoever."

Husband, in dubious tones: "And how much did this cost me?"

Wife: "One year's house payment....but IT'S REALLY SAFE"

Husband, with dripping sarcasm: "So safe, even the germs are safe. No thanks, you and Rafiki can shake your sticks and hope it gets clean. I'm sticking to good old chemicals." This is usually followed by me "ape"-ing around the house and making nonsensical clicking noises with my tongue.

Now, while I have admitted to my wife that some of her alternative "Rafiki" cleaners have proven effective, she or anyone else has yet to convince me how your standard household chemicals pose any greater harm to humanity. Oh sure, they're made from goat's butt, and somehow that means they are safe. Let's reveiw the facts:

1. If you drink Formula 409, you will get sick and might die. If you drink "Rafiki"cleaner, you will get sick an might die, AND you now have goat butt in your mouth. Now, the disciples of Rafiki would argue that you wouldn't die...you might suffer years of debilitating pain and have no life, but you might not die...AND you have goat butt in your mouth.
   
2. Bleach kills mold, and if you put it on your skin it hurts. When I put Rafiki cleaners on my skin, they hurt...and I have goat butt on my skin.
   
3. Just because it's "natural" doesn't mean it is safe. Uranium is natural...that is, found in nature, but is not safe. Unknown and largely unregulated herbs, salves, and butts of goats may be natural, but that does not mean they are safe, and in the mean time...you know...goat butt.
   
4. Chemicals, when misused can cause disease. Rafiki cleaners, if misued, can cause disease...if nothing else, whatever disease there is on that goat's butt.
   

I don't know...the wife and Rafiki can shake their sticks....I'm sticking with what works, and staying aways from goat's butt.