Baby Reorientation

Fathering an infant is not like riding a bike.

You know the old addage...once you get back on the bike and start pedaling, you instantly remember how to do it no matter how long it's been. Yes, it may work with bike, food processors, and the like, but it definitely does not work with infants. You would think, third time through, that I would have this whole infant thing down pat. But alas, several important things slipped my mind making my paternal excursion all too interesting at times.

Thus, for the sake of the common good, let me remind the dads out there:

IMPORTANT THINGS ALL FATHERS MUST REMEMBER ABOUT INFANTS

1. For boys, SNIPER FIRE IS REAL. If you don't prepare yourself, you will get a shot in the eye, chest or some other unfortunate area. No matter what, put the dang diaper down quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Don't forget the bobble head. If you pick them up without bracing their neck, for a moment they'll look like something out of a bad horror movie.
3. You know how if you don't put oil in your car eventually it will pay you back by breaking down? If you don't burp your kid after they eat they will pay you back with a warm bath on your shoulder, back or some other unfortunate area.
4. Yes, the doctor really did say six weeks of no....ya know. You ever wonder if it hurts them to say it?
5. Yes, you must learn (or relearn) how to do everything one handed. I still haven't perfected eating nachos, but am open to suggestions. Do you think jalapenos in their eyes will hurt them?
6. That cute little cooing noise they make at 4 am...don't be fooled. They're just working up to a cry. You might as well just get out of bed right then.
7. If you think your value to your spouse is being judged largely on your ability to execute a late night feeding and doing every chore in the house...you might be right.
8. That black stuff that comes out of their bums for the first fews days...that's normal. No, your kid didn't drink motor oil, and no that stuff cannot be used as blacktop resurfacer.
9. Buy a good stain treater for your laundry, that is unless you want dried yellow spots on all your shirts that smells like sour milk and goat butt.
10. Duct tape has still not been approved by the FDA as a suitable substute for those expensive diapers. Just flush your paycheck down the drain now before you get to attached.
11. No, no one besides us sees the need to pay $30 a every week for something our children are only going to deficate in. I'm convinced the whole plan was conceived by some congressman.
12. For those whose wives have chosen the route of natural feeding...they're not yours any longer pal...at least not for a LONG time. Just accept.

I hope this helped any of my confreres preparing to enter or re-enter this important stage of your parenting lives.