Vacuums and "The Man"

I live in an 865 square foot house and I own 4 vacuum cleaners.

Contemplate that statement for a moment. That's about 1 vacuum cleaner for every 215 square feet. Consider, as well, that all of them "work", that is, they all function within normal parameters.

Why would I need so many vacuums, you might ask? "The Man".

"The Man" or "The Woman" is that advertising genius tucked away in some marketing firm cubical who has managed to dupe much of humanity into thinking that their particular product is somehow superior to all others. And so the progression goes...my wife owned a vacuum prior to us getting married, someone gave us one for our wedding, I got a ShopVac one Christmas. That equals 3.

Then "The Man" came.

A Kirby Salesman arrived at my home some day and miraculously took dirt out of my couch, dead skin off my matress, and (if you listen to them tell it) leprosy off a leper. Suddenly, they have convinced my wife that every other vacuum in our home is useless, and we must have a Kirby for our life to be fulfilled. "The Man" had struck again, and through a serious of events my wife purchased a used Kirby from some friends. It had 450,000 different attachments, a massively complicated system for attaching any of them, and weighed about a metric ton. But it was THE best. 3 + 1 "Man" = 4 Vacuums

Now, I was kind of partial to our little green Hoover. It 2 attachments and no frills, but man it could take up Cheerios with the best of them. But I was told by "The Man" and my wife his new disciple that the Kirby could dwarf this thing. Thus, several months later, and several attempts on my part to use it, here's my impression of the Kirby so far:

• I feel like I need a mechanical engineering degree to put it together
• It squeals like a cat in heat
• It has broken twice and only our friend who we bought it from can seem to fix it (I now refer to him as the "Kirby Whisperer")
• After a baby powder explosion the other day (don't ask) it failed to even take up much of anything (which I was told was a "belt" problem).
• Even when it is "working" properly it only pick up half as well as my trusty old Hoover.
• I'm told it has a lifetime warranty, but to get it refurbished I would have to send it away to the shipping costs tune of $150-200.
• Oh, and the bags and all the accessories cost twice as much.

So, why am I supposed to be impressed by all of these fancy schmancy vacuums? Isn't the point to take stuff off my floor without attracting every cat in the neighborhood. Silly me.

My wife is still holding out hope that if "The Kirby Whisperer" comes over and shakes at stick at it or something it might work. I don't share in her optimism. Chalk another one up to "The Man".

I pulled the Hoover out of its mothballs, and am currently researching a way to use my ShopVac without taking up the carpet itself and my toddlers in the process. Now that thing could take the white out of rice!!!!