So my wife is reading me some survey published in one of the 5 million parenting magazines she frequents with "groundbreaking" advice for dads. I don't even remember the situation that they were giving advice about, as in "Dads who find themselves victimized by being a man" or some garbage like that. But, essentially the list involved "suck up and bear it, just remember how hard it was for your wife to bear the children" and a bunch of the same old tired frissle-fras obviously written by a chick, for chicks.
Thus, on this Father's Day, in the spirit of full disclosure, I've decided to let these editors in on a few "nuggets" of wisdom about the male species, in concern to their obvious utter lack of familiarity with it. Thus, I present:
The Top 12 Things Chick-Dominated Parenting Magazine Editors Need to Know About Men.
12. Yes, we are scum for not having born children for 9 months. We play golf and drink beer to hide our obvious and latent shame...you can come up with new material now.
11. What Oprah, long walks on the beach, and any movie in which the girl gets the guy does to your emotional well-being, beer and sports do to ours. Any questions?
10. No...our vows did not include "I will give you back rubs every night when you're pregnant"...I checked.
9. Remember, we work all day, not sleep. Thus, work does not fit into the category of "being away from the children", and thus, does not mean we need to make up every minute of those hours when we get home.
8. No, taking pictures of my children after they pour paint all over my floor will not make me less angry and appreciate the moment. In fact, it will only remind me of the anger for years to come. Tell Dr. Phil to try again.
7. Just because you slap "organic" on the label and charge me double for it does not prove that it will actually benefit my children in any way.
6. Please do not preach to me the need for less chemicals in our home after you've just plastered your face with them. Our kids get more chemicals from your lipstick than my WD-40.
5. The value of male recreational activities is not measured solely by whether it helps us lose weight or means we are more happy when we come home. Golf is a good in and of itself.
4. I still have yet to see one of your "creative dates for parents" ideas include ANYTHING that men enjoy doing. Where's "Snuggle up to Monday Night Football" or "Discuss the finer points of the Prevent Defense over an expensive dinner"?
3. Please do not freak out my wife with any more of those ridiculous "you're baby should be doing this by 8 months" lists. I've never met a kid who can't sit up, so I really don't care what month they do it.
2. I've done the math, and all of your "creative" parenting suggestions assume a base household income of over 300K. What ever happened to "being a good parent in 865 square feet" or "making do with food you can actually afford"?
1. No, our procreative urge is not our ONLY emotion.
Not that we've cleared these things up, I'm looking forward to much more insightful comment in the future...that is...after football season.
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8 comments:
OMG, Laj! You are hilarious! Happy Father's Day! Thanks for the laugh!
Wow! I think you need a speed bag next to your computer John. Also,Oprah says that aroma therapy can have a soothing effect.
We as men shouldn't respond to the ridiculous advice being fed to our woman. (That's right I said OUR woman. If you don't believe they belong to us, just try to take them away and see what happens.)If we continue to respond, then we have given the point of view credibility. There is no argument if there is no one to argue with. Come on guys, how many times have you simply knodded in agreement to end an argument that you never intended to be a part of. No matter how large Oprah's audience is, the power to remain men lies within each one of us. So stop responding the the rhetoric by giving away our closely held secrets of coping. When woman don't understand us, they can continue to think they are superior. And come on, you know that that's what this is all about anyway.
It is nice to see that manhood can still have the word "man" in it. I asked my wife and she said it was okay.
I look forward to future rants. and may even post one myself from time to time.
Oh, great and powerful Oprah, do not crush this infidel, John, with his wayward remarks. You are a bastion of truth, and if you say a scrapbooking date is what John needs, then scrapbooking it shall be. Why hast thou forsaken Oprah, Mr. Laginess?
Oh, great and powerful Oprah, do not crush this infidel, John, for his wayward remarks. You are bastion of truth, and if you say a scrapbooking date, than scrapbooking it shall be! Why hast thou forsaken Oprah, Mr. Laginess?
I, for one, find it no small irony that Oprah's production company (her name backwards) is Harpo, a Marx brother......
John, John, John... when are you going to learn that you cannot be manly and a good parent at the same time? Did you not see the sign above the maternity ward when you walked in? It said: "Abandon thy marbles all ye who enter here"
Seriously though, if men spent more time emphasizing the positive aspects that a Godly, manly, loving father can have on his family, we just might be able to turn this thing around. We just need a bastion of manliness, a beacon of testosterone: we need the Anti-Oprah! He takes his kids rock climbing, not to a book club. He teaches them the finer points of competition and sportsmanship, not how to accessorize this years fashions. He climbs trees with the kids, and doesn't stand below saying, "come down right now before you fall and break your head!" He is not reckless, but he takes risks. He is not harsh, but he is firm. He speaks with authority, and fiercely protects his family. He knows that "with great power comes great responsibility". He acknowledges that every Superman has his kryptonite. He feels the Force is with him, and he will NEVER turn to the dark side. For him, life is not to be talked about, it is to be experienced! Now if I could only find this guy...
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